I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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