my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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