Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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