M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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