I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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