The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
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I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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