you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Someone came in the potted fern
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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