Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
