Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
