he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
