I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
