My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
