would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
