Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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