I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
