I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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