Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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