your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
