Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
