Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
