You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
