shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
