Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
