how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
