I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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