You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
