My balls are so social today.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
