My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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