Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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