Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
