i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
