I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
