Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
