I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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