So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I had to cum in my sink.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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