Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
