you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
