Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
