we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
