apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
