mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
