I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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