So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
