dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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