Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
