When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
