On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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