Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
