My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
