How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
