you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
