I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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