Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
