You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
