Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
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The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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