Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
