I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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